That's how she ends her pain

 No one has ever ask her what makes her become so defensive…

No one has ever ask her why she trust too easily when someone tells her they love her…

No one tries to understand what’s with the smiles she always put on…

NONE!!

And no ever knows, she came from a very broken family…

She’s defensive because she doesn’t want her children to grow up in a very toxic surrounding like she did…

She trust too easily because she hopes that person is the ONE…

Because she only want to love and to be love!!!

That smiles she put on??

That’s how she hides every single tears that shed at night….

At the end,

She never found the love she’s looking for…

Her trust was broken again and again…

Her heart was crushed into pieces….

And at the very end,

She’s in despair…

She’s drowning in her own tears..

So she chose to let go of herself…

So that she’s free

Thats when she decides to jump from the bridge and ends her life

I wish I can stop caring, so I can stop hurting

 I pray that I can forgive you

Almost everyday...

However I realise that I can’t afford to do so..

You hurt me too deep

I was broken into pieces, and the broken pieces gone

I wasn’t able to pick it up and glue it once more

It’s just gone...

Along with the love for you

The love that I once give you deeply

Seeing you making my life better

Having you beside me makes me feel I am the happiest girl ever

But...

You chose to break my heart

You chose to cut both ends with one cut toward your own blood

You are a monster

The monster that hurt your little sister more than anyone will ever did in her life

You’re suppose to be the one that love me most, protect me most

Not only breaking my heart, you even stepped on the broken pieces so that it will never ever be fix forever

They say, if it still hurts, you still care;

I bet, I still care...

But who am I right?

I really hope, I stop caring so that I wont be hurt anymore

Happy Birthday Bestie

 Happy belated birthday Bestie....

I remembered yur birthday...

I just not available to post the wish on the day...

I make the longest du'as that day after prayers, a special du'as for a special person...

You deserve the best!

But Allah loves you more.....

Know that we love you too....

Too much that it hurt...

It has been years, but it feels like yesterday that you left us...

However, I am very thankful for the short times...

I am grateful for everything...

thank you for being a very great friend...

Happiest birthday Brother! 

Jatuh Bangun

Acap kali aku berazam...

Berulang kali aku rebah...

Jatuh terduduk, tak mampu berdiri

Beribu kali aku mengorak langkah,

Berjuta kali kaki tersungkur,

Lingkup tersembam menyembah bumi...

Mencuba bangun,

Namun kerap kali terpesong...

Tersasar, hanyut...

Kali ini,

Aku nekad bangun semula...

Merangkak perlahan...

Dengan harapan,

Mampu berdiri,

Lalu berjalan

Dan akhirnya berlari...

Aku masih mencari...

Belum putus asa mencari sinar...

walaupun sering hanyut dalam kegelapan, 

Masih ada cahaya untuk ku berpatah kembali...

Sering aku tertanya,

Sampai bila harus begini...

Jawapan tidak kutemu, hanya buntu menyesak diri...

Lalu aku hanyut kembali;

Dalam tangisan, menyelam perasaan...

Aku tenggelam, terkapai-kapai mencari daratan...

Yang belum aku temu, walaupun dapat ku lihat dari kejauhan...

Andai kata nyawa ditarik, dimana tempatku di siSiNya?

Ilmu didada, sejengkal cuma, bagaimana harus ku melangkah?

Blood related Strangers

 Happy New Year 2021!!

Walaupun yang belated...

2020 yang penuh dengan onak ranjau... 

macam-macam dugaan yang melanda...

Whatever happened, happened..

We can't change the things that happened..

I struggled much during last year...

Too much hearthache, too much tears

Too many unresolve stuffs

The person I love

Broke me into pieces

The same blood flows in my vein,

Broke me into someone that I don't even know anymore...

That blood related stranger....

I hope you never know how broken I am after hearing those words from you

I hope you never know because it will break you 100 times worst than what you did...

because I know you loved me more than others...

ONE misunderstanding, and we part ways..

Do you realized how much it breaks me?

or maybe broke you into pieces too???

I thought we were stronger than that big bro...

I thought our blood is far more stronger than the misunderstanding..

but turns out, we were NOTHING compare to a rumor..

Turns out, our blood were NOTHING...

You threw me away... 

Refused to acknowledge me as a little sister anymore

I'm sorry I walked away..

I can't stay , can't forgive you anymore..

Let this be a closure...

I will never forgive and forget...

Blame me for everything, but...

You will never get my forgiveness...

Your broken little blood related stranger

KhaYFa

Warkah buat Sahabat

Bismillahirahmannirrahim...

(alfatihah kepada HAA)

Dear sahabat...

14 Tahun yang lepas kau kembali pada Pencipta..

Andai hari ini kau masih ada,

kau mesti bangga pada aku yang hari ini....

Too much things happened in these 14years...

I have so much to tell you...

I have grown up so much!

I am married now...

I have a job now and currently pursuing my study...

If you're still here, 

you must be happy and of course you'll be my Husband's bestie too..

I talk to him about you, constantly...

He knows that you must be a great friend..

Indeed you was...

I've always thankful for the short times that we lived, the times we created memories together.....

I've always pray for you...

I've always missing you...

You're not only my bestfriend;

You was my brother;

My partner in crimes;

My secrets keeper;

My advisor;

My Role model..

when you left, Im still so young, so inexperience

So clingy and you know what, I faced lots of difficulties to blend in after you left...

I don't even know how to live without you...

I recollect the memories of you and it keeps me sane and stronger...

I am who I am today, because I believe you would always wanted me to move on and live my life....

thank you for the memories HAA...

You know we love you..

May Allah shower your souls with His blessings and May you Happy in the afterlife...

with love,

Your little sister

KhaYFa

Empty

Happy Raya Everyone...

It has been quite some times....

I've been caught up with works...

fighting with my own emotions...

Struggling with studies....

Yep...

Life has never been easy huh??

I have been having rough days lately..

Been oversensitive..

Feels broken again...especially when the tragedy  keep coming back ='(

There's a saying state that "make a mistake once, no matter how much you have contribute to the society, people remember that ONE mistake"

thats what happens to my already broken family...

There is nothing that can mend what is broke...

Especially trust..

It has been  years...

Its not days you know, its  DAMN YEARS!!!

and NOTHING changed..Not even A PROGRESS

no FORGIVENESS, NO let bygones be bygones

Everyone just choose to leave...

That BROKEN family that I had before, becomes not even what we can call BROKEN...

It changes into STRANGERS..

Everyone stay away

Everyone decided not to turn back to the place we call HOME anymore..

I can't even call it HOME anymore

Gosh..

Until today, I dont even know how I feel..

I dont even know how to feel...

I can't explain what I feel..

I wanted to cry my eyes out..

I wanted to scream my lungs out..

but at the end of the day, I sucked it up!

I kept it to myself...

I am broken...

Broken beyond repair..

Everytime I go back, I looked at my parents, it tore me down into million of pieces... AGAIN and AGAIN..

There is no timeline for the broken heart...

Not even knowing if there is any cure...

Until then, all I can do is, chins up and face life

Life is ugly sometimes, but we must cherish the good times..

-KhayFa-